Sunday, August 15, 2010

Look at her. Do you see it? Her eyes are shut tight and she's letting go with every inch of her body. She knows without a doubt he won't drop her. I don't know what makes her so sure. Who knows what he's capable of doing or done. And her, what has she done to him? Nothing? Maybe but maybe not. No one knows and to watch her is like watching an ant. Where is it going and why?  The brain of someone in love is a little unpriortized. But the brain of a lover with more then one partner is always ploting. So is it that she closes her eyes because she wants to feel the moment without spoiling it with her sences? Or is it she doesn't want to show guilt when he looks at her in the eyes?

There is so much that an outsider sees. It doesn't mean anything. It's like watching a movie without sound. You may think you can read their emotions but the more you can understand, the more they seem to be tricking you.

The answers

Once upon a time I knew everything. I knew how the world work and what I was supposed to do. I knew where I was to go in life and what paths not to take. I'm pretty sure from the ages 15-17 I knew it all. I should have gone to college then. I probably would have my Doctorate by now. Who knows I could have cured cancer. But I let life happen as it naturally does. I've seen conflicts that I swore I knew the answer to. And years later regret the choice that I made. I've realized that no one can tell you what is going to make you happy in life. They can tell you what possibly can make you rich. They can tell you when you're most fertail. They can tell you how to study and become an expert in the area you want to learn. They can tell you how they found peace within themselves. Unfortunately as much as you'd like to think the answer is out there waiting for you to find it. It's not. You need to find it within yourself. I would say most people never find it. Most give up or try to  find happiness in doing what other find joy in. Sad. Take some time away from everything. What five things in your life right now make you happy? If it's too hard for you, I won't judge you. But I won't save you from judging yourself.

Friday, June 18, 2010

The Dance

(I wrote this a while back and never posted it. I cleaned it up a bit. Hope you like.)

I notice you. You've noticed me. We've begun our dance. This one has been slower then other dances I've danced. It's not our intention. The DJ is controlling the music and we can either get off the dance floor and wait till a faster song comes on or keep slow dancing. We keep slow dancing. Neither one of us wants to break from the others arms.  We don't get off the dance floor. There are too many distractions that could keep us from coming back when the tempo picks up. So we continue to slow dance. Why is it easier to let go of yourself  when the music is louder and fast? The slow speed allows us to look at each other feel the closeness between us. It allows us to really see the person in front of us. So why do we want to blur the image we see with noise and fast movements?

Its comforting that you can slow dance well. You already know how to hold me softly and lead me around the floor without force or confusion. Will this song ever end? We've been chit-chatting our way through it. I notice how amazing your eyes are and how they stare into mine when I'm rambling on about something. You're smiling but I don't know why. Is there something in my teeth? Please could they have made a longer version of this song? Why do I always want to dance fast? In the beginning it's all about speed and excitement. Keep going faster so you can't see the dullness in each other. I look away. You look away. It's almost painful to be so close and going so slow. I feel embarrassed as if I was looking at something forbidden. I guess I am. I'm looking right at your soul.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

It's hard to just sit still...

So I've noticed it's hard for people to sit still. Case in point. Everyone just needs to lend a helping hand, don't they? Someone always has the right way to "do it". They have the answer that's going to "fix it." Here let me tell you how to do it. I love hearing the, "well have you thought about such and such situation?" Oh no I haven't because I'm a moron and you raised me to be stupid. Oh I love this one, "you really need to do this because that's what I did." Oh yeah? Last time I checked I though your life sucked and you never met your true potential.

When someone asks me a question and I give an answer it's hardly ever followed with, "oh was that what you would do?" No. I live my life, mistakes and all, the way I think I should live it. Lots of good things came from mistakes. Velcro, America, ice cream cones, silly puddy, Samantha Law, just to name a few things that would make our lives a little harder to live without.

I'm not saying I never ask for advice. I know my life is not perfect in most people's eyes but to me I wouldn't trade it for your minivan and soccer practice. I hear 30 is the new 20. So I guess I'm 18. Does that mean I'm just starting womanhood? No that's ridiculous. I've done more, loved more, moved more then most women twice my age. I can't be starting womanhood. I also know I'm not ready for motherhood (by choice not by insecurity) I know I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do when I grow up. But maybe I'm supposed to have many short periods (years) of working with companies verses decades. But right now everything feels perfect. (My therapist says not to use that word) I should say everything feels right in it's place. Now if I could just get a day off with clear skies to go to the beach I'd be Kosher!

Let's just say for the most part I know what I want and what I don't want. But I still don't understand how people who don't have what I do want are telling me how I'm going to get it. If I want to be a billionaire should I be talking to someone who's making 40K a year? If I want to raise a good kid should I be talking to someone who just has toddlers? No that's ridiculous.  Now that doesn't mean they won't end up being billionaires or great parents. I'm just saying, let's get some expert opinions. Not yours. Just kidding, you probably don't tell me how to live my life or how to fold my towels. I would assume those closest to your are the ones telling you how to live yours. I surely can't be the only on who's getting told what to do? Just me and five year olds huh? Guess I need to find a good Chuck E Cheese to hang out at. Good bye Casey's on Central, Hello Chuck E Cheese in Waterford Lakes.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Without you

There are going to be pictures without you. There are never pictures without you. There are pictures without me but there are never pictures without you. They wanted you so badly. She tried over and over to get you. I prayed for you as if I was asking God for a pony. And him, he changed. You changed him. He's never been the same since you got here. You broke down walls that had been build up around him. You didn't even know what you were doing. You were the first. You were in all the pictures. I didn't even know someone could be in so many pictures until you got here. You were tiny. I kissed you with my eyes closed. We were so close that my eyelashes almost touched your cheek. You were different, so much smarter then all the other ones. You didn't even talk you just pointed and everyone knew what you wanted. You were so quite for so long. You were like a new toy for us. You were passed around like bread at Thanksgiving. Everyone admiring your beauty. Your long dark hair. Your deep brown eyes. Your smile. Yes you smiled at everything. You smiled in pictures. Then there were two. And from then on you were never in a photo alone. She was always there. It's like you were a twin pack despite the two year age difference. You were inseparable. Despite the fact that you both had your own rooms you lovingly slept side by side. I have pictures. And now my mind races through memories. It's searching for something that I missed. How did it get this far? How did it get this bad? We are going to be together, but we are going to be without you. You always wonder what would be worse, to have something that is damaged or to not have it at all. I guess that would be a spin on "is it better to love and have lost or to have never loved at all". But I wasn't given that decision to make. You did. Now there are going to be pictures without you.

Friday, February 26, 2010

When a heart breaks it don't break even...

Since I heard the words of this song I've haven't been able to get them out of my head. It's true when your heart breaks it lies there shattered in pieces. They are sharp and burning. Why would you want to pick them up? Why try to salvage something so fragile that can hurt so deeply, again? You turn your back on the pieces of your heart. You never even noticed that someone picked them up. They have pieces of your heart but in their hand those pieces are cool like shinny gems. Sometimes they try to give them back to you. They try to put the pieces back together for you. Other times they don't notice the mess and step right through it not realizing what they've done till they hear the crunch under their foot. Now what? Do they move backwards or carry on forwards? And I? What do I do? I have a jar of broken hearts. A little piece of everyone's soul. Some larger then others. It's filled. I've been the one who has carelessly stepped on the pieces. I've been the one to drop the fragile heart in the first place. I've been the one who has cut her hands shifting between two hearts that have been broken simultaneously.  Trying to find my pieces over his. I always pick up my pieces. I never leave them behind. If you're quick enough to snatch one bravo for you.
So this jar...It's been filling up for a while now. I wouldn't say I'm proud of it but in a way I am. Not that I am a collector of broken hearts but that I was capable of loving someone and they turned around and were capable of loving me too. I've been blesses with much love and compassion in my life. But sometimes when I'm low I look at that jar of broken heart pieces. I hope to myself that the piece I took has grown back. Anyone who tells you love is unselfish is not in-love. I was selfish for stealing those pieces. I was honest and being myself when I broke those hearts but I was selfish to not let them pick up all of their own broken heart.

Monday, February 15, 2010

She fills my soul

There's a hole in my soul and she fills it. I didn't know about this hole. It was so small. As I grew it got bigger. It's like she took her tiny finger and stretched it out. When she's gone too long it aches. But when she's near, it's like the smell of fresh baked cookies. She's irresistible. Her heart is so pure but maybe I'm blind. When she hurts I hurt. And when she laughs I cry. She dances when she's alone. She sings when everyone is around. She lives in her own world, but she's become my world. Am I selfish living off of her love and beauty? Am I wrong for wanting her essence to embody me too? When I wished for her did I know our bond would be this strong? Did I know that she would become the teacher and I the student? I see her innocence leaving as she grows in the woman she's meant to be. I watch her and it's like looking into a mirror. She's so confident. She's so smug. She knows how this game ends and where you need to put your pieces. Next thing you know she's telling you your move. But still she fills my soul.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Yeah I know I'm supposed to be doing my homework but....

...Microsoft Office needed reh-tard updates so I have a few moments and I have to tell you about the most random thought of my day. This is gonna get dirty people. Daddy I know you read this, you may want to stop. So I'm at work, I know you guys are excited already. Despite the fact that my job oh so exciting, from time to time I let my mind wonder. I have always preferred the word wonder over spaced out. Great scientist and explorers let their minds wonder. When someone walks into a table they just spaced out. So needless to say this thought is on the same leave as Galileo and Aristotle. Actually more like Freud. So the hot topic is threesomes. Yeah I said. Now if you ask any straight man if he wants to have a threesome his response is usually very favorable. Until you bring up the fact that there will be two men and one woman. Suddenly the response is not so favorable. I've heard things such as, "only one penis per dream" or "what? Do you think I'm gay?". Now riddle me this Batman: if a man and two women are in a threesome why aren't the women considered gay? And if you're in a relationship, isn't it technically cheating? I myself have no knowledge of this because I'm a virgin. Been that way for years. But this brings me to my last thought and most insightful. Two girls/one guy-threesome. Two guys/one girl- now that's a gang bang. Right? Then I went back to work.

Please, as always feel free to comment. I must reboot my computer. Ewww get your mind out of the gutter.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Just a dream....I guess

So this was a dream. It had to be a dream. Nothing could be this realistic. Maybe it was a night where I was drunk on dreams but it was what it was. The music was loud enough to make everyone sway. If you looked around there were couples who were interlocked. If you looked around, regardless of the song there were couples fighting. There were those who wanted to be notices and those who wanted to blend in with the wall. And then there was me. Tonight who am I going to be? What am I going to decided to do? I take a deep breath and close my eyes. It's not because this is an intoxicating environment and I want to take in all of my surroundings. It's quite the opposite. It's like picking the best of the worst. Should I just dance by myself and hope no one comes up to me? Should I open my eyes and look around and find out that the exception to the rule is right in front of me. But if he is here...wouldn't he be coming up to me? I mean I'm the aggressor. I'm the one who makes all the moves. I'm the one who makes you feel safe while you slowly fall in love with me and just as quickly and as quietly I cut your heart out. I am the one in control so where is my competition? Or maybe I should just dance faster. Maybe I should just start dancing better.Then I should look across the dance floor and see that girl. She's with that guy. She wants to dance and she wants him to dance with her. She knows he's good but tonight, it's just not his thing. So she dances. Her flirty dance moves are being ignored. She fades away from him and his drink. She dances hard. She moves up and down. Her arms sway as her hip entrance you. FOUND YOU. So I dance and I watch her. He's not watching her. He's sipping on his drink. His eyes are following who's in the crowd. She dances further away. She's moving closer and closer to the middle of the floor without him noticing. I step forward. My hips move in a very generic motion. No one's watching. I'm not giving them a reason to. I'm just trying to move closer to this possible competitor. She starts to show off a little and looks back at the one who has refused to dance with her. He smiles as if he's the puppeteer and she is the puppet. But if you look closer who is really in control. The man who stands at the side drinking his cocktail our the lovely beauty on the dance floor showing her independence? Who really knows how this works. Maybe she is the puppeteer and he is the puppet. So she inches closer to the middle of the floor. She flows around couples and groups of girls giggling. But like a good competitor I watch. Pride is a slippery slope to mediocrity so I hold back on making myself noticed. As I inch closer I begin to dance a little more. My body reacts to the music. There is no fear in my steps. They are strong and sexy. They do exactly what they are meant to do Now I'm beginning to draw eyes to the dance floor. I have fun with the other dancers. There's a couple next to me. I take the woman's arms and put them around her beau. She leans in closer to him. I grab his hands and put them on her hips. I move her hips with his hand and suddenly they are in and unbreakable lock. They laugh. I move on. Dancing around them like Venus who just sparkled star dust on a victim. It seems my competitor has noticed me. She's noticed that that crowd has noticed me. She wants to out sex me. You know skimpy clothes and dirty moves. It's not my thing. I'm here to have fun. I confidently know that I can dance better then anorexic mcgee over here. She comes closer to me. We call this deception at it's finest. She comes to dance with me. She rotates around me like a marry go round. She tries to confuse me with where she stands. I realize that just like life itself if you focus on what is stable and you will go a lot farther then if you follow whirlwinds of air. So she continues to dance around me and the crowd is watching more intensely. So I grab her. She's shocked that I made such a bold move. I play her like a violin. I move her in and out and sashay her around like the princess she seems  to think she is. I suddenly have taken on the dominate roll. I, as soft and feminine woman, have taken on the dominate role. I spin her, dip her. I watch her dance. And then suddenly, it's my turn. Don't blame me if she's tired or dizzy but she's standing still swaying. Now it's my turn. Now I dance. Now I move around her like a snake. I sway close to her so close to her that some may be confused with the fact that we may be intimate. Then I move away as soon as she tries to move into me. She is tiring from my spins and dips. My moves are quick and well rehearsed and all in all better then hers. She seems lost. This is my turn to go in for the kill. I see him. What a douche. Just sitting there. Watching her. Watching us. So I dance up to him. He stands up. He nods. I bring him to the floor. His girl is still out there on the dance floor. Now she runs up to him. She looks longingly at him. Her eyes say dance with me. He would be more interested in watching paint dry. I suddenly feel bad. This beautiful dancing girl can't even get her man to dance with her. He will dance with us though. I bring him to the middle where his girl is provocatively dancing towards us. I throw him into her arms. I dance around them once then leave them. The guy seemed confused like he just got shaft on his two for one deal. He keeps dancing with his girl to not look like an idiot. I scanned around the room. I look at the men. The ones who are ignoring their girlfriend and wives. I see the ones who are huddled in bunches. I see the ones who are by themselves. Then I notice the girls. It's as if I just discovered the color red. It's so bright why haven't I noticed it before. There are girls who are shamelessly hitting on men.There are women who are dancing with their fat friends pretending it's as god as a man. There are those who are just watching and those who are getting drunk enough to talk to a man. Now as I see this I kind of make my way back to the dance floor. Away from the angry couple that I put together. And I realize that I love this song. I start to dance. I close my eyes. I know it's cliche but I do it none the less. I sway and move. I find myself in my own mecca. Don't open your eyes it's only going to be disappointment my head says. Just stay in your area and dance. Yeah that last about 3.2 seconds. I needed to see what everyone else was doing. It was noting different from when I closed my eyes. Now where do I go? Where is that one who takes the lead? My life is too short not to dance. And dancing is something I can do with someone else or alone.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

If I need someone to love...

You're the one that I'd be thinking of...If I needed someone. But I don't need someone to complete me. This isn't Jerry McGuire. My mom always said, "Samantha, men should just be dessert." Well damn it I love me some dessert. Who wouldn't like piece of good ol' American hot apple pie ala mode? Tasty fudge Brownies? Juicy chocolate covered strawberries? Maybe some warm German chocolate cake? Delicate French creme brulee? Hawaiian Pineapple upside-down cake? You know you want a creamy piece of Cuban flan (get your mind out of the gutter!).There's always room for Jell-o. Ok. Ok, I'll stop. But let's be honest men are a lot like dessert. Some are rich and fill you up. Others make you want to lick the bowl when you're done. Some are too sweet. There are the ones that you regret the next day. Then you have the ones that look great but don't sit well in your stomach. And who hasn't had that piece that just didn't fill you up? Ouch! But then there's that one dessert that you savor every bite. It's the reason you exercise. It's why you eat a light dinner. You rave about it to all your friends. You think about it long after it's gone and crave one more taste.

What was I saying about not needing a man?

I mean I like my sweets but you can't live on cake alone, at least not without champagne. So my goal was to make my life as tasty and as great as champagne. So far so good, I think. I'm definitely like a good champagne. I'm elegant but fun. I'm light and bubbly. Sophisticated. I have been known to be intoxicating and make you lightheaded. Everyone knows that champagne drunk is the most inviting drunk. You slip into it slowly. You start swaying to the music. You suddenly feel yourself smiling more with each sip. You long to hug and kiss others. Champagne makes girls giggle with their friends and twirl around like princesses. Champagne makes guys pat their best mate on the back and throw back a laugh caused by an old memory of mischief. Champagne is always classy. Champagne means a job well done. No one cries when there is Champagne going around. Champagne stands all on it's own without the need of anything to make it enjoyable. So yes, I am very much Champagne. Now I guess I just have to see what accoutrement goes best with Champagne. What's going to bring out my flavors? Is it going to be a nice piece cake?  I guess we'll see. In the meantime....

Carve your number on my wall and maybe you will get a call from me...If I needed someone.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

And there he was...

I would like to say it's foggy to me now, but it's not. It starts out like a haze, swirling around something you can't really see. But something inside you says look closer. Something as strong as your will to breathe. It says move closer. It says look harder. Part of your mind is enjoying the haziness. I'll just dance around like a princess and confuse my self-conscientious. But like any fair battle the fairytale princess always lose to reality. Before I know what's happening I sense him right here. I'm there. I can smell his scent before I can see his face. And now it's like an addiction. Like a magnetism I didn't know I possessed. I reach out for his arms and pull forward. My chest hit's his and I slump into it. I see that the haze is still around us. I'm not sure if I want to pull away and run or grab him tighter and never let go. My mouth finds the perfect spot on his neck. I can feel his pulse on my lips as I kiss him. Run away and let go my mind thinks. There are no clouds out there. There is no haze over you. There is no control. If you walk away you chose your own path. If you stay you will weaken. You will give in to him. You already see it. Your hands are tracing his arms and shoulders. Your stance is closer to him. Your body can literally feel his body heat. The heat seams to energize the magnetism between you. Your hand drop down his back from lack of strength. You start thinking to yourself, "I've got this. I'm more powerful then this. I have him under my control." What control? He leans down to kiss me and my arms swing around his neck as if they understand each step of this dance I have no control over. I again sink in closer. I can't deny that his kiss is amazing. Its warm and filling. I step back and look at him. This is the first time I can bring my eyes to his eyes. I don't know what I expect to happen. It's not like he can burn me with his retinas. I'm so confused. I'm so confused. I want to scream at him. What are you doing with me? What are you doing to me? I'm in charge. Why are you just standing there looking at me? What is going on? Hello? My hand waves before his face. I'm trying to talk and nothing comes out. It's like a movie with no sound. And suddenly I lose my footing. I stand up again. The haze has thickened. I've lost my boy. I've lost the light. I've lost part of myself. I wake up. Like I said the fairytale princess always loses to reality. My reality is that he's there and I'm here.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I've been thinking

It's been a while...I've been thinking. I've been thinking about what my life consists of. I just reconnected with an old friend. I haven't talked to him in 10 years. He says to me, "what have you been up to?" What have I been up to? I want to say nothing out of pure reaction. It's like asking an 16 year old, "what did you learn in school today?" "Oh nothing?"

But I don't. I told him what I've accomplished in the last 10 years. Not what's note worthy, just what is probably on my resume. I went to college. I got a business degree. I moved to Little Rock to help a friend open a marking firm. I lived in Milwaukee for a year, and then Chicago for two. I just got back to sunny central Florida. I've been working in sale for forever but for the last three years it's been education sales. Also, in December I'll be done with my MBA.

But what I should have said was that I tried to get into film school and failed. But I was still passionate about film. I've work both the Florida Film Festival and the Milwaukee Film Fest for over 7 years now. I've dedicated myself to the arts  no matter what city I've lived in. I've fallin' in and out of love. I've followed passion through states and snow. I've made love and felt loved and hurt love. I've been a successful business woman who's worn suits to work and I've been a poor server who had to wash the one shirt she had over and over each day she worked. I've met people who have write their names on my heart and I will never forget them. I've met gypsies who have tried to steal my soul. And the boys, oh the boys. There have been a few. They have been a motley crew. They have been teachers and students. Their tales have been boring and lovely. I have seen sorrow in their lives and happiness in their actions. I have been the mother, the maid, the suitor, the seductress, the friend and the foe. I've stole passion that was not mine to have. I've loved the unworthy. I have fought to be right. I have worked overtime. I have slacked at my desk. I have passionately changed lives. I have moved back home.

It may not be an ideal life but it is my life and mine alone. There were pleasures and happiness-es not told, and fits of crying and disappointment not shared. But that is my life. Wicked and vibrant  it is all mine. Come one, come all. Let's see what kind of magnets we are. Are we going to attract or push each other away?

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Other People's Words

Sticks and stones are hard on bones
Aimed with angry art,
Words can sting like anything
But silence breaks the heart.
~Phyllis McGinley

To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship.
~Doménico Cieri Estrada

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.
~Flavia Weedn

Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're really strangers.
~Mary Tyler Moore

Why do people persist in a dissatisfying relationship, unwilling either to work toward solutions or end it and move on? It's because they know changing will lead to the unknown, and most people believe that the unknown will be much more painful than what they're already experiencing.
~Anthony Robbins

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
~Dave Barry

It is only when we no longer compulsively need someone that we can have a real relationship with them.
~Anthony Storr

People change and forget to tell each other.
~Lillian Hellman

In the end, who among us does not choose to be a little less right to be a little less lonely.
~Robert Brault

Monday, January 11, 2010

For now

Jordan still isn't playing fair. He texted me and sent pictures and when I didn't respond he called my work phone. I was in a meeting so I can't even say it was due to will power that I didn't respond. But I'm glad that he "needed" to talk to me. It was cute.

Do I know how his fixing himself is going? Nah, but that's the point right? That he fixes himself not that I fix him for him. But enough about him. Let's get to the good stuff...what I'm doing, because I'm not sitting still. (We'll save the smoops stuff for another blog)

This weekend I'm going to Miami for a long weekend. Since I was born and raised in the Dirty South I'm hoping to meet up with some old friends. My real reason for the trip is to celebrate my step-sister, Kelly's birthday. We haven't hung out in forever. We have to make up for lost times. Then a little birdie told me that two of my friends from Orlando just might be in Miami as well. Who knows what kind of trouble we can stir up. I am going to be seeing my loving family while I'm down there as well. Can't pass up a free meal or a chance to get cut out of the will. Hopefully it's not a winter wonderland like it has been up here. I don't think I can get much paler. It would be nice to know what the sun feels like on my face. I do live in Florida you know. We're supposed to get skin cancer not sweaters.

I know right about now you're pretty jealous and you want my life, right...oh wait it gets better.

For those of you who don't know me, my sister's are my world. I love the stuffing out of them. For some reason they are all born within weeks of each other.

So my next adventure takes me to Johnson City, TN. I know, that's SOOOO much cooler then Miami. Well Momma Dukes and Daddykins bought me a plane ticket to come home for Vicki's birthday. Vic is the baby and probably the most eclectic of my five sisters. Also she is the most like me out of everyone, even though she is the most unique. In short she kicks ass and we're gonna party because it's her 17th birthday and we can. This will be a lot of partying without alcohol. Interesting.

In February I go to Atlanta. Katie Mate is going to the very prestigious all girls school, Agnes Scott. It's Katie's first birthday away from home so I'm coming up so we can live it up! Atlanta is an awesome city and Katie needs a little corruption in her life. Thank God she has such a great big sister to show her exactly what college life is all about. Boys and Booze. Just kidding mom, I'm we're going to go to the museum of natural history.

Ashli's birthday is March first but like me you never really know where Ashli is going to be weekend to weekend. If she does decided to have a birthday in Miami I'll probably be back down there again. I mean really who can spend too much time visiting Miami. It will be bathing suit weather for sure by then and South Beach has been missing me, I just know it.

Two weeks later Momma Dukes and Daddykins will be bring Katie and Vicki to Orlando for spring break. That means shopping, theme parks, and free dinners. Bring it!

Now before all this Jordan soul searching and fixing and what-not I invited him down here during that time for his birthday. The invitation is still open so we'll see what happens there. Guess you're going to have to keep reading these blogs till March.

Mid-March is my favorite time of the year because of St Patrick's Day. A day to get wasted, pinch people, and make out. It's like Christmas for Alcoholics. This year I'm putting together a St. Patty's Day pub crawl. I want to start a pub crawl tradition. With support from people like you, we can make this happen.

So as you can see I have a good line up from here to about mid-March...then my calender gets really empty. No bueno. It's really not a problem. That's about the time when Sunday Fun Days start up again. That's when we go to the beach every Sunday like good Floridians. I also need to work on finding friends who own a boat. Note to self.

That's all I've got for now. I hear my Marketing homework calling me. School is for suckers. Don't do it.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Day One take two...action

Yesterday. Day One of 6 LONG MONTHS of not texting, facebooking, e-mailing, calling, writing, or drunk dialing. I feel like I should be sitting next to my friend Kent who's trying to quit smoking. He has his gum, toothpicks, will power...and a piss poor attitude because he's doing something totally against his nature. Not to narc him out, he stole a few of Natasha's Cigarettes. "I'm quitting, not abstaining," he says. Touche my friend. Touche.

So Day One can either be the best day because you're still on high on your new "plans of improvement" or it's the worst day because withdraws and second guesses start to set in.

My first day I was feeling empowered. I had a plan and guidelines. I had already analyzed my difficulties and moved on. This was a competition against myself and I was going to win! Then of course he texts me. Um dude what part of you "need your space" do you not understand? You can't even do that right? I'm preparing myself for 6 months of non communication and you're texting me within 24 hours. You suck at this game.

I'm sure you're dying to know what Jordan was all blah blah blah I love you don't think I don't blah blah blah thank you for giving me time. You're such a control freak you even tell me when I need to take time for myself. Blah blah blah. Seriously this man went on for at least 12 full long texts about his undying love for me. Now don't get me wrong I loved every minute of it. I want to be with this man. But I'm in a competition with my will power. I'm in heavy training and conditioning mode right now. I can't be distracted by I love you text messages. It's like you just took me to a sports bar while I'm on a diet. Sure they probably have a side salad of some sorts but hell if I'm not going to get wings and a pitcher of beer.

So now I'm on Day One AGAIN. Oh what's that? Did I text back? Oh that's funny, I thought I told you if I texted back or not. Yeah I'm weak. I texted back. We agreed that if he wanted to talk I could feel free to respond to him if I wished. I texted back acknowledging that, yes, I indeed am amazing. Yes, I do love him and yes I do understand that he loves me. (The bitch is gonna hate me in a month when I'm still not talking to him....hee hee. It's all part of my master plan.) We left it at that, a stronger understanding of the fact that we are two people in love with each other. One who needs to get his shit together and one who left Chicago to get hers together.

So what have I been doing. Oh just the usual, checking my phone for messages and missed calls. Looking at my facebook wall. Looking at his facebook wall. Looking at my phone again. Is it on silent? No. Ok good. Just in case. I guess round two of Day One didn't go as well as round one of Day One.

If I were in a video game I would need a mushroom for an extra life or a potion for more strength. I would like to spit fireballs too but that's just because it would be AWESOME. Seriously, think about it, FIREBALLS. What? You just cut me off in traffic, fireball at your Dodge Stratus. That will make you think twice about being a docuhe and cutting random strangers off in traffic.

Besides beating Koopa Troopas and saving the Princess I need to do oh so exciting post graduate level busy work. I also have a small colony of beer bottle that need to be removed from my home. Thank you Jordan for leaving me with tangible memories of our weekend together. After that I need to indulge in my Sookie Stackhouse novel and mentally prepare myself for work tomorrow.

Friday, January 8, 2010

6 Months

Every end has a new beginning right? Didn't someone famous say that, or a fortune cookie?

So this is how it ended:

Everything on my body was still minus my fingers that were furiously texting away on my iPhone. It sounded like I was texting a novel. In actuality it was more of a monologue.
"So let me do this. I'll try it again. I'll leave you alone."
"I'll call sometime later"
"Take your space"
"Fill it with you"
"I'll be waiting till July"
"Don't doubt me"
"Good bye my love"

And that's how it ended.

Now what? Eat a tub of ice cream and watch when Harry Met Sally? Fuck no. It's 2010, get a blog.

Let me clear up a few things. First off I live in beautiful Orlando, Florida were as my receiver of text messages lives in the suburbs of Chicago, IL. We have dated off and on for two years now. I recently just moved back to the Sunshine state from Illinois. If you know anything about Illinois you know there is no sun or any sort of heat for 6 months. I moved back to Florida to improve on my quality of life aka my tan. Jordan (again the receiver of the text messages) was on track to move down as well. Like all couples we have our problems. Jordan has unfinished business that will not allow him to move down here till July. Um, no he's not in jail. Are you mad? Let's get back on track. Like I said before we each come with a little bit of baggage. I moved to Florida to relieve myself of my Samsonite. I'm down to a travel pack you would say. Now Jordan, he's getting his ducks in a row. He has a lot to think about and a lot to accomplish in between now and July. Which brings me to my texts.

I'm giving Jordan 6 months to do whatever it is he needs to do. Which in short means I have cut off talking to him for 6 months. If you look back at my text it doesn't really say when I'll be calling. He probably thinks I'll break down and do it on Monday. But I've committed to this. Now he may call, e-mail, and/or text me. At that point everything is fair game. But until then I am being respectful and giving him his space.

He has two requests from me:
1)If he realizes at any point that this is not what he wants he needs to inform me immediately! Like I'm just going to sit around while someone else doesn't give a flying fuck about me.

2) If I call or text him that I need him he needs to respond back to me with in a reasonable amount of time. Such as 45 seconds. No, I'm just kidding. With in an hour or so. Don't get my text at 10 in the morning and return my call at 6 when you're driving home from work.

So those are the rules.

Guess you're wondering what next? Yeah, me too. When I realized exactly what I had agreed to by giving Jordan space I freaked out a little. I had let go of the little bit of control I had over our relationship. Being the perfectionist control freak that I am I needed to find an outlet.One that didn't involve my ass blowing up or anything a pee test could detect.

So for the next 6 months I will be blogging about my adventures and misadventures until I talk to Jordan on July 8th, 2010.