Sunday, January 31, 2010

If I need someone to love...

You're the one that I'd be thinking of...If I needed someone. But I don't need someone to complete me. This isn't Jerry McGuire. My mom always said, "Samantha, men should just be dessert." Well damn it I love me some dessert. Who wouldn't like piece of good ol' American hot apple pie ala mode? Tasty fudge Brownies? Juicy chocolate covered strawberries? Maybe some warm German chocolate cake? Delicate French creme brulee? Hawaiian Pineapple upside-down cake? You know you want a creamy piece of Cuban flan (get your mind out of the gutter!).There's always room for Jell-o. Ok. Ok, I'll stop. But let's be honest men are a lot like dessert. Some are rich and fill you up. Others make you want to lick the bowl when you're done. Some are too sweet. There are the ones that you regret the next day. Then you have the ones that look great but don't sit well in your stomach. And who hasn't had that piece that just didn't fill you up? Ouch! But then there's that one dessert that you savor every bite. It's the reason you exercise. It's why you eat a light dinner. You rave about it to all your friends. You think about it long after it's gone and crave one more taste.

What was I saying about not needing a man?

I mean I like my sweets but you can't live on cake alone, at least not without champagne. So my goal was to make my life as tasty and as great as champagne. So far so good, I think. I'm definitely like a good champagne. I'm elegant but fun. I'm light and bubbly. Sophisticated. I have been known to be intoxicating and make you lightheaded. Everyone knows that champagne drunk is the most inviting drunk. You slip into it slowly. You start swaying to the music. You suddenly feel yourself smiling more with each sip. You long to hug and kiss others. Champagne makes girls giggle with their friends and twirl around like princesses. Champagne makes guys pat their best mate on the back and throw back a laugh caused by an old memory of mischief. Champagne is always classy. Champagne means a job well done. No one cries when there is Champagne going around. Champagne stands all on it's own without the need of anything to make it enjoyable. So yes, I am very much Champagne. Now I guess I just have to see what accoutrement goes best with Champagne. What's going to bring out my flavors? Is it going to be a nice piece cake?  I guess we'll see. In the meantime....

Carve your number on my wall and maybe you will get a call from me...If I needed someone.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

And there he was...

I would like to say it's foggy to me now, but it's not. It starts out like a haze, swirling around something you can't really see. But something inside you says look closer. Something as strong as your will to breathe. It says move closer. It says look harder. Part of your mind is enjoying the haziness. I'll just dance around like a princess and confuse my self-conscientious. But like any fair battle the fairytale princess always lose to reality. Before I know what's happening I sense him right here. I'm there. I can smell his scent before I can see his face. And now it's like an addiction. Like a magnetism I didn't know I possessed. I reach out for his arms and pull forward. My chest hit's his and I slump into it. I see that the haze is still around us. I'm not sure if I want to pull away and run or grab him tighter and never let go. My mouth finds the perfect spot on his neck. I can feel his pulse on my lips as I kiss him. Run away and let go my mind thinks. There are no clouds out there. There is no haze over you. There is no control. If you walk away you chose your own path. If you stay you will weaken. You will give in to him. You already see it. Your hands are tracing his arms and shoulders. Your stance is closer to him. Your body can literally feel his body heat. The heat seams to energize the magnetism between you. Your hand drop down his back from lack of strength. You start thinking to yourself, "I've got this. I'm more powerful then this. I have him under my control." What control? He leans down to kiss me and my arms swing around his neck as if they understand each step of this dance I have no control over. I again sink in closer. I can't deny that his kiss is amazing. Its warm and filling. I step back and look at him. This is the first time I can bring my eyes to his eyes. I don't know what I expect to happen. It's not like he can burn me with his retinas. I'm so confused. I'm so confused. I want to scream at him. What are you doing with me? What are you doing to me? I'm in charge. Why are you just standing there looking at me? What is going on? Hello? My hand waves before his face. I'm trying to talk and nothing comes out. It's like a movie with no sound. And suddenly I lose my footing. I stand up again. The haze has thickened. I've lost my boy. I've lost the light. I've lost part of myself. I wake up. Like I said the fairytale princess always loses to reality. My reality is that he's there and I'm here.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I've been thinking

It's been a while...I've been thinking. I've been thinking about what my life consists of. I just reconnected with an old friend. I haven't talked to him in 10 years. He says to me, "what have you been up to?" What have I been up to? I want to say nothing out of pure reaction. It's like asking an 16 year old, "what did you learn in school today?" "Oh nothing?"

But I don't. I told him what I've accomplished in the last 10 years. Not what's note worthy, just what is probably on my resume. I went to college. I got a business degree. I moved to Little Rock to help a friend open a marking firm. I lived in Milwaukee for a year, and then Chicago for two. I just got back to sunny central Florida. I've been working in sale for forever but for the last three years it's been education sales. Also, in December I'll be done with my MBA.

But what I should have said was that I tried to get into film school and failed. But I was still passionate about film. I've work both the Florida Film Festival and the Milwaukee Film Fest for over 7 years now. I've dedicated myself to the arts  no matter what city I've lived in. I've fallin' in and out of love. I've followed passion through states and snow. I've made love and felt loved and hurt love. I've been a successful business woman who's worn suits to work and I've been a poor server who had to wash the one shirt she had over and over each day she worked. I've met people who have write their names on my heart and I will never forget them. I've met gypsies who have tried to steal my soul. And the boys, oh the boys. There have been a few. They have been a motley crew. They have been teachers and students. Their tales have been boring and lovely. I have seen sorrow in their lives and happiness in their actions. I have been the mother, the maid, the suitor, the seductress, the friend and the foe. I've stole passion that was not mine to have. I've loved the unworthy. I have fought to be right. I have worked overtime. I have slacked at my desk. I have passionately changed lives. I have moved back home.

It may not be an ideal life but it is my life and mine alone. There were pleasures and happiness-es not told, and fits of crying and disappointment not shared. But that is my life. Wicked and vibrant  it is all mine. Come one, come all. Let's see what kind of magnets we are. Are we going to attract or push each other away?

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Other People's Words

Sticks and stones are hard on bones
Aimed with angry art,
Words can sting like anything
But silence breaks the heart.
~Phyllis McGinley

To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship.
~Doménico Cieri Estrada

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.
~Flavia Weedn

Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize you're really strangers.
~Mary Tyler Moore

Why do people persist in a dissatisfying relationship, unwilling either to work toward solutions or end it and move on? It's because they know changing will lead to the unknown, and most people believe that the unknown will be much more painful than what they're already experiencing.
~Anthony Robbins

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
~Dave Barry

It is only when we no longer compulsively need someone that we can have a real relationship with them.
~Anthony Storr

People change and forget to tell each other.
~Lillian Hellman

In the end, who among us does not choose to be a little less right to be a little less lonely.
~Robert Brault

Monday, January 11, 2010

For now

Jordan still isn't playing fair. He texted me and sent pictures and when I didn't respond he called my work phone. I was in a meeting so I can't even say it was due to will power that I didn't respond. But I'm glad that he "needed" to talk to me. It was cute.

Do I know how his fixing himself is going? Nah, but that's the point right? That he fixes himself not that I fix him for him. But enough about him. Let's get to the good stuff...what I'm doing, because I'm not sitting still. (We'll save the smoops stuff for another blog)

This weekend I'm going to Miami for a long weekend. Since I was born and raised in the Dirty South I'm hoping to meet up with some old friends. My real reason for the trip is to celebrate my step-sister, Kelly's birthday. We haven't hung out in forever. We have to make up for lost times. Then a little birdie told me that two of my friends from Orlando just might be in Miami as well. Who knows what kind of trouble we can stir up. I am going to be seeing my loving family while I'm down there as well. Can't pass up a free meal or a chance to get cut out of the will. Hopefully it's not a winter wonderland like it has been up here. I don't think I can get much paler. It would be nice to know what the sun feels like on my face. I do live in Florida you know. We're supposed to get skin cancer not sweaters.

I know right about now you're pretty jealous and you want my life, right...oh wait it gets better.

For those of you who don't know me, my sister's are my world. I love the stuffing out of them. For some reason they are all born within weeks of each other.

So my next adventure takes me to Johnson City, TN. I know, that's SOOOO much cooler then Miami. Well Momma Dukes and Daddykins bought me a plane ticket to come home for Vicki's birthday. Vic is the baby and probably the most eclectic of my five sisters. Also she is the most like me out of everyone, even though she is the most unique. In short she kicks ass and we're gonna party because it's her 17th birthday and we can. This will be a lot of partying without alcohol. Interesting.

In February I go to Atlanta. Katie Mate is going to the very prestigious all girls school, Agnes Scott. It's Katie's first birthday away from home so I'm coming up so we can live it up! Atlanta is an awesome city and Katie needs a little corruption in her life. Thank God she has such a great big sister to show her exactly what college life is all about. Boys and Booze. Just kidding mom, I'm we're going to go to the museum of natural history.

Ashli's birthday is March first but like me you never really know where Ashli is going to be weekend to weekend. If she does decided to have a birthday in Miami I'll probably be back down there again. I mean really who can spend too much time visiting Miami. It will be bathing suit weather for sure by then and South Beach has been missing me, I just know it.

Two weeks later Momma Dukes and Daddykins will be bring Katie and Vicki to Orlando for spring break. That means shopping, theme parks, and free dinners. Bring it!

Now before all this Jordan soul searching and fixing and what-not I invited him down here during that time for his birthday. The invitation is still open so we'll see what happens there. Guess you're going to have to keep reading these blogs till March.

Mid-March is my favorite time of the year because of St Patrick's Day. A day to get wasted, pinch people, and make out. It's like Christmas for Alcoholics. This year I'm putting together a St. Patty's Day pub crawl. I want to start a pub crawl tradition. With support from people like you, we can make this happen.

So as you can see I have a good line up from here to about mid-March...then my calender gets really empty. No bueno. It's really not a problem. That's about the time when Sunday Fun Days start up again. That's when we go to the beach every Sunday like good Floridians. I also need to work on finding friends who own a boat. Note to self.

That's all I've got for now. I hear my Marketing homework calling me. School is for suckers. Don't do it.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Day One take two...action

Yesterday. Day One of 6 LONG MONTHS of not texting, facebooking, e-mailing, calling, writing, or drunk dialing. I feel like I should be sitting next to my friend Kent who's trying to quit smoking. He has his gum, toothpicks, will power...and a piss poor attitude because he's doing something totally against his nature. Not to narc him out, he stole a few of Natasha's Cigarettes. "I'm quitting, not abstaining," he says. Touche my friend. Touche.

So Day One can either be the best day because you're still on high on your new "plans of improvement" or it's the worst day because withdraws and second guesses start to set in.

My first day I was feeling empowered. I had a plan and guidelines. I had already analyzed my difficulties and moved on. This was a competition against myself and I was going to win! Then of course he texts me. Um dude what part of you "need your space" do you not understand? You can't even do that right? I'm preparing myself for 6 months of non communication and you're texting me within 24 hours. You suck at this game.

I'm sure you're dying to know what Jordan was all blah blah blah I love you don't think I don't blah blah blah thank you for giving me time. You're such a control freak you even tell me when I need to take time for myself. Blah blah blah. Seriously this man went on for at least 12 full long texts about his undying love for me. Now don't get me wrong I loved every minute of it. I want to be with this man. But I'm in a competition with my will power. I'm in heavy training and conditioning mode right now. I can't be distracted by I love you text messages. It's like you just took me to a sports bar while I'm on a diet. Sure they probably have a side salad of some sorts but hell if I'm not going to get wings and a pitcher of beer.

So now I'm on Day One AGAIN. Oh what's that? Did I text back? Oh that's funny, I thought I told you if I texted back or not. Yeah I'm weak. I texted back. We agreed that if he wanted to talk I could feel free to respond to him if I wished. I texted back acknowledging that, yes, I indeed am amazing. Yes, I do love him and yes I do understand that he loves me. (The bitch is gonna hate me in a month when I'm still not talking to him....hee hee. It's all part of my master plan.) We left it at that, a stronger understanding of the fact that we are two people in love with each other. One who needs to get his shit together and one who left Chicago to get hers together.

So what have I been doing. Oh just the usual, checking my phone for messages and missed calls. Looking at my facebook wall. Looking at his facebook wall. Looking at my phone again. Is it on silent? No. Ok good. Just in case. I guess round two of Day One didn't go as well as round one of Day One.

If I were in a video game I would need a mushroom for an extra life or a potion for more strength. I would like to spit fireballs too but that's just because it would be AWESOME. Seriously, think about it, FIREBALLS. What? You just cut me off in traffic, fireball at your Dodge Stratus. That will make you think twice about being a docuhe and cutting random strangers off in traffic.

Besides beating Koopa Troopas and saving the Princess I need to do oh so exciting post graduate level busy work. I also have a small colony of beer bottle that need to be removed from my home. Thank you Jordan for leaving me with tangible memories of our weekend together. After that I need to indulge in my Sookie Stackhouse novel and mentally prepare myself for work tomorrow.

Friday, January 8, 2010

6 Months

Every end has a new beginning right? Didn't someone famous say that, or a fortune cookie?

So this is how it ended:

Everything on my body was still minus my fingers that were furiously texting away on my iPhone. It sounded like I was texting a novel. In actuality it was more of a monologue.
"So let me do this. I'll try it again. I'll leave you alone."
"I'll call sometime later"
"Take your space"
"Fill it with you"
"I'll be waiting till July"
"Don't doubt me"
"Good bye my love"

And that's how it ended.

Now what? Eat a tub of ice cream and watch when Harry Met Sally? Fuck no. It's 2010, get a blog.

Let me clear up a few things. First off I live in beautiful Orlando, Florida were as my receiver of text messages lives in the suburbs of Chicago, IL. We have dated off and on for two years now. I recently just moved back to the Sunshine state from Illinois. If you know anything about Illinois you know there is no sun or any sort of heat for 6 months. I moved back to Florida to improve on my quality of life aka my tan. Jordan (again the receiver of the text messages) was on track to move down as well. Like all couples we have our problems. Jordan has unfinished business that will not allow him to move down here till July. Um, no he's not in jail. Are you mad? Let's get back on track. Like I said before we each come with a little bit of baggage. I moved to Florida to relieve myself of my Samsonite. I'm down to a travel pack you would say. Now Jordan, he's getting his ducks in a row. He has a lot to think about and a lot to accomplish in between now and July. Which brings me to my texts.

I'm giving Jordan 6 months to do whatever it is he needs to do. Which in short means I have cut off talking to him for 6 months. If you look back at my text it doesn't really say when I'll be calling. He probably thinks I'll break down and do it on Monday. But I've committed to this. Now he may call, e-mail, and/or text me. At that point everything is fair game. But until then I am being respectful and giving him his space.

He has two requests from me:
1)If he realizes at any point that this is not what he wants he needs to inform me immediately! Like I'm just going to sit around while someone else doesn't give a flying fuck about me.

2) If I call or text him that I need him he needs to respond back to me with in a reasonable amount of time. Such as 45 seconds. No, I'm just kidding. With in an hour or so. Don't get my text at 10 in the morning and return my call at 6 when you're driving home from work.

So those are the rules.

Guess you're wondering what next? Yeah, me too. When I realized exactly what I had agreed to by giving Jordan space I freaked out a little. I had let go of the little bit of control I had over our relationship. Being the perfectionist control freak that I am I needed to find an outlet.One that didn't involve my ass blowing up or anything a pee test could detect.

So for the next 6 months I will be blogging about my adventures and misadventures until I talk to Jordan on July 8th, 2010.