Friday, February 26, 2010

When a heart breaks it don't break even...

Since I heard the words of this song I've haven't been able to get them out of my head. It's true when your heart breaks it lies there shattered in pieces. They are sharp and burning. Why would you want to pick them up? Why try to salvage something so fragile that can hurt so deeply, again? You turn your back on the pieces of your heart. You never even noticed that someone picked them up. They have pieces of your heart but in their hand those pieces are cool like shinny gems. Sometimes they try to give them back to you. They try to put the pieces back together for you. Other times they don't notice the mess and step right through it not realizing what they've done till they hear the crunch under their foot. Now what? Do they move backwards or carry on forwards? And I? What do I do? I have a jar of broken hearts. A little piece of everyone's soul. Some larger then others. It's filled. I've been the one who has carelessly stepped on the pieces. I've been the one to drop the fragile heart in the first place. I've been the one who has cut her hands shifting between two hearts that have been broken simultaneously.  Trying to find my pieces over his. I always pick up my pieces. I never leave them behind. If you're quick enough to snatch one bravo for you.
So this jar...It's been filling up for a while now. I wouldn't say I'm proud of it but in a way I am. Not that I am a collector of broken hearts but that I was capable of loving someone and they turned around and were capable of loving me too. I've been blesses with much love and compassion in my life. But sometimes when I'm low I look at that jar of broken heart pieces. I hope to myself that the piece I took has grown back. Anyone who tells you love is unselfish is not in-love. I was selfish for stealing those pieces. I was honest and being myself when I broke those hearts but I was selfish to not let them pick up all of their own broken heart.

Monday, February 15, 2010

She fills my soul

There's a hole in my soul and she fills it. I didn't know about this hole. It was so small. As I grew it got bigger. It's like she took her tiny finger and stretched it out. When she's gone too long it aches. But when she's near, it's like the smell of fresh baked cookies. She's irresistible. Her heart is so pure but maybe I'm blind. When she hurts I hurt. And when she laughs I cry. She dances when she's alone. She sings when everyone is around. She lives in her own world, but she's become my world. Am I selfish living off of her love and beauty? Am I wrong for wanting her essence to embody me too? When I wished for her did I know our bond would be this strong? Did I know that she would become the teacher and I the student? I see her innocence leaving as she grows in the woman she's meant to be. I watch her and it's like looking into a mirror. She's so confident. She's so smug. She knows how this game ends and where you need to put your pieces. Next thing you know she's telling you your move. But still she fills my soul.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Yeah I know I'm supposed to be doing my homework but....

...Microsoft Office needed reh-tard updates so I have a few moments and I have to tell you about the most random thought of my day. This is gonna get dirty people. Daddy I know you read this, you may want to stop. So I'm at work, I know you guys are excited already. Despite the fact that my job oh so exciting, from time to time I let my mind wonder. I have always preferred the word wonder over spaced out. Great scientist and explorers let their minds wonder. When someone walks into a table they just spaced out. So needless to say this thought is on the same leave as Galileo and Aristotle. Actually more like Freud. So the hot topic is threesomes. Yeah I said. Now if you ask any straight man if he wants to have a threesome his response is usually very favorable. Until you bring up the fact that there will be two men and one woman. Suddenly the response is not so favorable. I've heard things such as, "only one penis per dream" or "what? Do you think I'm gay?". Now riddle me this Batman: if a man and two women are in a threesome why aren't the women considered gay? And if you're in a relationship, isn't it technically cheating? I myself have no knowledge of this because I'm a virgin. Been that way for years. But this brings me to my last thought and most insightful. Two girls/one guy-threesome. Two guys/one girl- now that's a gang bang. Right? Then I went back to work.

Please, as always feel free to comment. I must reboot my computer. Ewww get your mind out of the gutter.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Just a dream....I guess

So this was a dream. It had to be a dream. Nothing could be this realistic. Maybe it was a night where I was drunk on dreams but it was what it was. The music was loud enough to make everyone sway. If you looked around there were couples who were interlocked. If you looked around, regardless of the song there were couples fighting. There were those who wanted to be notices and those who wanted to blend in with the wall. And then there was me. Tonight who am I going to be? What am I going to decided to do? I take a deep breath and close my eyes. It's not because this is an intoxicating environment and I want to take in all of my surroundings. It's quite the opposite. It's like picking the best of the worst. Should I just dance by myself and hope no one comes up to me? Should I open my eyes and look around and find out that the exception to the rule is right in front of me. But if he is here...wouldn't he be coming up to me? I mean I'm the aggressor. I'm the one who makes all the moves. I'm the one who makes you feel safe while you slowly fall in love with me and just as quickly and as quietly I cut your heart out. I am the one in control so where is my competition? Or maybe I should just dance faster. Maybe I should just start dancing better.Then I should look across the dance floor and see that girl. She's with that guy. She wants to dance and she wants him to dance with her. She knows he's good but tonight, it's just not his thing. So she dances. Her flirty dance moves are being ignored. She fades away from him and his drink. She dances hard. She moves up and down. Her arms sway as her hip entrance you. FOUND YOU. So I dance and I watch her. He's not watching her. He's sipping on his drink. His eyes are following who's in the crowd. She dances further away. She's moving closer and closer to the middle of the floor without him noticing. I step forward. My hips move in a very generic motion. No one's watching. I'm not giving them a reason to. I'm just trying to move closer to this possible competitor. She starts to show off a little and looks back at the one who has refused to dance with her. He smiles as if he's the puppeteer and she is the puppet. But if you look closer who is really in control. The man who stands at the side drinking his cocktail our the lovely beauty on the dance floor showing her independence? Who really knows how this works. Maybe she is the puppeteer and he is the puppet. So she inches closer to the middle of the floor. She flows around couples and groups of girls giggling. But like a good competitor I watch. Pride is a slippery slope to mediocrity so I hold back on making myself noticed. As I inch closer I begin to dance a little more. My body reacts to the music. There is no fear in my steps. They are strong and sexy. They do exactly what they are meant to do Now I'm beginning to draw eyes to the dance floor. I have fun with the other dancers. There's a couple next to me. I take the woman's arms and put them around her beau. She leans in closer to him. I grab his hands and put them on her hips. I move her hips with his hand and suddenly they are in and unbreakable lock. They laugh. I move on. Dancing around them like Venus who just sparkled star dust on a victim. It seems my competitor has noticed me. She's noticed that that crowd has noticed me. She wants to out sex me. You know skimpy clothes and dirty moves. It's not my thing. I'm here to have fun. I confidently know that I can dance better then anorexic mcgee over here. She comes closer to me. We call this deception at it's finest. She comes to dance with me. She rotates around me like a marry go round. She tries to confuse me with where she stands. I realize that just like life itself if you focus on what is stable and you will go a lot farther then if you follow whirlwinds of air. So she continues to dance around me and the crowd is watching more intensely. So I grab her. She's shocked that I made such a bold move. I play her like a violin. I move her in and out and sashay her around like the princess she seems  to think she is. I suddenly have taken on the dominate roll. I, as soft and feminine woman, have taken on the dominate role. I spin her, dip her. I watch her dance. And then suddenly, it's my turn. Don't blame me if she's tired or dizzy but she's standing still swaying. Now it's my turn. Now I dance. Now I move around her like a snake. I sway close to her so close to her that some may be confused with the fact that we may be intimate. Then I move away as soon as she tries to move into me. She is tiring from my spins and dips. My moves are quick and well rehearsed and all in all better then hers. She seems lost. This is my turn to go in for the kill. I see him. What a douche. Just sitting there. Watching her. Watching us. So I dance up to him. He stands up. He nods. I bring him to the floor. His girl is still out there on the dance floor. Now she runs up to him. She looks longingly at him. Her eyes say dance with me. He would be more interested in watching paint dry. I suddenly feel bad. This beautiful dancing girl can't even get her man to dance with her. He will dance with us though. I bring him to the middle where his girl is provocatively dancing towards us. I throw him into her arms. I dance around them once then leave them. The guy seemed confused like he just got shaft on his two for one deal. He keeps dancing with his girl to not look like an idiot. I scanned around the room. I look at the men. The ones who are ignoring their girlfriend and wives. I see the ones who are huddled in bunches. I see the ones who are by themselves. Then I notice the girls. It's as if I just discovered the color red. It's so bright why haven't I noticed it before. There are girls who are shamelessly hitting on men.There are women who are dancing with their fat friends pretending it's as god as a man. There are those who are just watching and those who are getting drunk enough to talk to a man. Now as I see this I kind of make my way back to the dance floor. Away from the angry couple that I put together. And I realize that I love this song. I start to dance. I close my eyes. I know it's cliche but I do it none the less. I sway and move. I find myself in my own mecca. Don't open your eyes it's only going to be disappointment my head says. Just stay in your area and dance. Yeah that last about 3.2 seconds. I needed to see what everyone else was doing. It was noting different from when I closed my eyes. Now where do I go? Where is that one who takes the lead? My life is too short not to dance. And dancing is something I can do with someone else or alone.