He came back today. I should be happy, right? He's safe with in the united states of America. He's just a plane ride away. Just a text, a phone call, an e-mail. Why aren't I more happy about this? He's worlds apart from me right now. I know he's safe and everyone keeps telling me how great that is. What's great about a safe living person who's no where near you? I feel like I'm in captivity. Sure I'm getting fed but what I'd really like to do is run and jump and be free. Look at my record, of course this is something I'd sign up for. Wonderful not physically available male. Why do I pick such people? Why is the long distance relationship so appealing to me? Why do I chose these closed off men. These enigmas. Oh you're damaged goods, step right into my office. You are emotionally unstable, here let me fix that for you. Oh you're no where close to me. Good thing I just want to see you when I want to see you and that's it.
My emotions are quite confused. They just want to embrace him but he's not ready. He's back to bury his friends and soldiers. What am I to do or say? I want responses to my questions but when is the right time to ask? I can't imagine what he's going through right now. Is he here just to bury his friends then off to watch more die? I feel selfish for wanting his attention right now but at the same time I want to hold my ground. I'm not an Army wife. I don't know what to expect. The whole "we know each other so well" bullshit isn't really panning out. I don't know this person who've you become. Why did I think you'd stay the same after 10 years. You grew up, got a job, and live that life. It's a very intense route that you have taken. How am I supposed to compete with the crazy world you have around you? I don't even know if you want me to compete.
What happened that night? I obviously was out of it, but you were fine. You had ties to other people yet you chose to lay next to me for a few hours in the wee morning talking about everything and nothing. Where you just pushing reality away? Was I just a distraction from your life? Looking back it seems silly. Everything I've done and said since then seems silly. And finding out that someone still thinks you're together should have given me the red flag on you, Maybe you're around guys too much that you don't know how to treat women.
I'm just a little disappointed in you. Actually I'm really disappointed in you. You were someone I trusted and counted on now you're starting to become a blur like the rest of them. Is that what you want? Is that even fair to ask right now? It's not. You're all shook up and need time to heal and I didn't realize that's what I signed up for.